Santa Is Probably Using SmartLipo to Stay in Shape

As we approach Christmas, the researchers at Wall Street Cosmetic Surgery are trying to discover the greatest of Santa’s secrets! No, not how he visits billions of children in a 32-hour period (assuming he’s moving from East-to-West). No, not how he fits down chimneys barely large enough for house cats (although we’d like to know that too).

Our researchers want to know how he stays in shape!

That’s not sarcasm—according to NORAD’s Santa Tracker, Santa is roughly 5’7” and 260 pounds. That may sound like a lot, but trust us: that’s nothing compared to what he should weigh.

But First, How Many Calories Does Santa Burn Every Christmas?

According to a report from Thomas Evans and Hannah Fry titled The Mathematics of Christmas, Santa must expend 14,000 calories from sleighing for 16 hours. However, the real work comes from climbing chimneys. Their calculations (based on number of chimneys in the world and how tall they are) show that Santa would burn 4.5 billion calories on Christmas Eve!

If we assume that 3,500 calories would need to be burned to lose a pound of fat, Santa would be able to lose 1.3 million pounds in an evening.

But that’s if he didn’t eat anything…and as we know, Santa is a gracious fellow. He would never refuse milk and cookies if offered.

How Many Calories Does Santa Consume?

The Centre for Economics and Business Research in the UK crunched the numbers, and they revealed how many calories Santa would consume in a single evening of gift delivery. Now, their numbers are operating on a number of presumptions:

• Santa needs to deliver gifts for 1.6 billion children worldwide
• To make his deadline, Santa needs to visit 5,556 homes per second

If each of those homes have milk and cookies, then Santa is consuming 150 billion calories every Christmas Eve. Assuming that Santa burns fat like the rest of us (3,500 calories per pound), then…

Santa ends the evening with 41.5 million pounds of excess fat (and maybe a stomach ache from all the milk)!

How Much Weight Does Santa Have to Lose Every Year?

In order to get back down to 260 pounds by December 24 the following year, Santa Claus would need to lose roughly 114,207 pounds. Every. Single. Day. For those of us who have trouble shedding that last 10 pounds before summer, it’s a bit of a stretch to believe that Santa loses that much weight through exercise alone!

Even if Santa ran intensely every day for 2 hours, he would maybe only lose a few pounds a week at most. In other words, Santa must be using some kind of weight-loss treatment every year!

There you have it—scientific proof that Santa probably uses SmartLipo.